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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Are you ready to do a lot of pretending? Pretend you just arrived at Los Angeles International Airport. Pretend you’re the newest movie star in Hollywood. Pretend your ride vehicle is a fancy chauffeur-driven limousine. Pretend that your chauffeur is narrating your journey from the airport to a big Hollywood premiere, although the ride vehicles don’t have drivers. And pretend that people like Regis Philbin and Cindy Crawford are big Hollywood stars. Good. Now you’re ready to take a Superstar Limo ride. |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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You begin by entering Los Angeles Union Station on the billboard-like facade. For some reason, this puts you into something that looks like it could be the airport in Toontown. You wind through the queue rather quickly, because there aren’t many other guests in line. It turns out you’re at baggage claim at Los Angeles International Airport. |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Joan Rivers is on a TV monitor. “Hollywood’s newest sensation is going to be a big star,” exclaims Rivers. “I’m talking big, big, big. Bigger than Madonna. Bigger than Leonardo. Do you know what I’m saying? Yes, of course you do.” Yes, Joan Rivers is talking about you! Now climb into your “limo” which is equipped with a video screen for each row of seats. Pretend the video screen is a picture phone. Enjoy the ride... |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Hey, aren’t you Hollywood’s newest superstar? Please be sure to keep your arms, legs, and egos inside the limo at all times.” Your picturephone rings. |
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Photo by Kevin Yee, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “There’s a collect call for you. It’s your new agent.” |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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Swifty La Rue: “Swifty here, babe. Welcome to Hollywood. Lookin’ sensational as always.” Swifty blows a kiss to you. Swifty La Rue: “Listen, I’ll have your contract for you at the premiere. Okay? Just get to the Chinese Theater pronto, y’hear me? Everybody’s waitin’, capiche? Now don’t be late, babe!” Swifty blows another kiss to you. |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Don’t worry. We’ll get you there in time. Our first stop is glamorous Rodeo Drive. There’s Regis Philbin, and that’s my final answer.” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “If it isn’t vivacious Melanie Griffith and dashing Antonio Banderas.” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “And there’s Hollywood beauty Cindy Crawford.” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “The world famous Sunset Strip. Hold your sides, everyone. It’s funnyman Tim Allen.” |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Jackie Chan! Care to rumble?” Your picturephone rings. Swifty La Rue: “Hey, where are ya? I repeat, don’t be late. Kiss, kiss.” Swifty blows two more kisses to you. |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Welcome to Bel Air, where the streets are paved with royalties and hype. How about a map to your house, Drew Carey?” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Sponsors seeking endorsements: “Endorse our soda! Sell our sneakers! Just sign here!” |
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Photo by Kevin Yee, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Pool party! Hold your breath now!” Your picturephone rings. Swifty La Rue: “C’mon. Be Swifty’s favorite star and get here now!” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Malibu, where the beautiful people become even more beautiful.” Voice from a crystal ball: “Angels, execs, producers beyond... Give us a sign the green light is on.” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Why, the always entertaining Cher!” Chauffeur: “Tattoos are all the rage. Shall I ‘ink’ you in for one?” Paparazzo 1: “Look up and say cheese.” Paparazzo 2: “Show us your pearly whites!” Paparazzo 3: “Smile for the camera!” Paparazzo 4: “One, two, Yeeowwww!!!!” (as he falls off his ladder) Chauffeur: “Everywhere you turn, there are Hollywood studios.” |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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First voice: “Read my script!” Second voice: “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry!” Third voice: “Every word says you!” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Well, this is it... the premiere of your very own movie!” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Hollywood favorite, Whoopi Goldberg!” Whoopi: “Look! It’s Hollywood’s newest sensation. And you know what that means, don’t you, baby? You’ve arrived!” |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “As they say in this town, ‘looks like you are big boffo.’ And don’t let it go to your head.” |
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Photo by Allen Huffman, 2001 |
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Chauffeur: “Now there’s a familiar face, smiling down from that billboard.” |
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Photo by Tony “WiseBearAZ” Moore, 2001 |
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Your picturephone rings. Swifty La Rue: “Congratulations, kid! They love your movie. Wow, you are a superstar. It’s bigtime boffo... I see your name in lights.” Swifty blows another kiss to you. Swifty La Rue: “I love ya!” Announcer: “Ladies and gentlemen, Hollywood’s newest sensation!” Chauffeur: “Don’t you look good on camera. Now that’s what I call a superstar! Let me grab some popcorn, because I know I’ll be seeing a lot of you in the movies!” |
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Your ride is over. Do you feel like a superstar now? |
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Superstar Limo was one of the original attractions when Disney’s California Adventure had its grand opening on February 8, 2001. It was the only dark ride in the park. Expectations were high. After all, nearby Disneyland had spectacular dark rides such as Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion, as well as simpler dark rides that put guests into classic Disney movies. Some guests loved Superstar Limo. They enjoyed the entertainment industry inside jokes and the cartoon-like scenes satirizing celebrity hangouts. However, the majority of guests were disappointed and puzzled by the ride. Where’s the Disney magic? Is this the best Disney can do? Why is Disney recommending tattoos? Here’s how Orange County Register writer Lisa Liddane described the brand new ride in an article on February 4, 2001: Superstar Limo is about as cheesy as the National Enquirer. You know you’re in for a letdown when you’re greeted at LAX by Joan Rivers’ animated talking head, which, by the way, actually looks better than the real person. Joan, honey, you and Disney need to have a talk about your animated makeover. Regis Philbin holds a wad of bills, Cindy Crawford spritzes perfume and Jackie Chan grins from above as you cruise along in your burgundy limo. I don’t get it. I’m ready for my close-up, but this isn’t it. The Sunday travel section of the Rocky Mountain News (Denver, Colorado) had this description of Superstar Limo on February 11, 2001: This attraction in Hollywood Pictures Backlot stands out because it’s so “whelming”—that’s worse than underwhelming. Billed as “a wild ride through L.A.’s star-studded streets,” it’s inane. But maybe it will play well in La La Land. Besides, Disney honcho Michael Eisner supposedly loves it, and that’s all that counts. The idea is that you’re a star who’s just arrived at LAX to sign a big movie deal. A limo picks you up at the airport, where the PA system broadcasts, “Keep arms, legs and egos inside the car at all times,” and “no parking, no whining, no schmoozing, no white after Labor Day.” You ride past familiar audio-animatronic faces, including Drew Carey, who’s hawking maps of stars’ homes in Beverly Hills, and Regis Philbin holding a wad of bills. Then there’s Joan Rivers’ animated talking head, which the Orange County Register said looks better than the real person. Margo Kutner of Mission Viejo, Calif., aptly called it “a one-time, cutesy ride.” Superstar Limo proves that even the talented Disney imagineers can make errors on occasion. Don’t bother standing in long lines, even if you’re a Hollywood groupie. Disney management closed the ride after less than one year. Reportedly, the typical guest reaction to the ride had been so negative that the park was actually stronger when the only dark ride in the park was closed. |
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Photo by Werner Weiss, 2013 Repurposed ride vehicles and animatronics |
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Just before Christmas 2005, a new ride opened in the former Superstar Limo building—Monsters, Inc. Mike & Sulley to the Rescue! The official grand opening was January 23, 2006, more than four years after Superstar Limo had quietly closed. The former “limo” ride vehicles were repainted as Monstropolis taxi cabs. The track layout was left unchanged. The Monsters, Inc. ride brings scenes from the successful Disney/Pixar movie to life, although the tight spaces in the show building do not do justice to the grand spaces that the wizards at Pixar created in the movie. Still, it’s a fun ride which most park visitors enjoy far more than Superstar Limo. |
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© 2006-2021 Werner Weiss — Disclaimers, Copyright, and Trademarks Updated August 20, 2021 |
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